On the Tree on the Mountainside

The free man is a warrior.

How is freedom measured in individuals and peoples? According to the resistance which must be overcome, according to the exertion required, to remain on top.

The highest type of free men should be sought where the highest resistance is constantly overcome: five steps from tyranny, close to the threshold of the danger of servitude.

--Friedrich Nietzsche

I wonder, sometimes, at my decision. I've moved across the country to a city where I know virtually no one, where thousands of starving artists have tried and failed, where the greenery and silence of nature is exchanged for a smoggy concrete labyrinth full of screeching cars and wailing sirens. It's discouraging, it's frustrating, it's difficult, and it's lonely.

But it's also a cyclopean challenge, a chance to overcome, an opportunity to flex my independence. There are days when I just want to give up and go live a life with friends and family--but there are also days in which I can face the challenge with exuberance and confidence, knowing that, should I succeed, every other challenge in life will pale in comparison.

I love challenges. I love pitting myself against a hopeless situation and winning. As an undying optimist and an admittedly naive idealist, I know that, eventually, I'll succeed, and that the troubles and pitfalls along the way will be worth the end result.

But the end result isn't enough motivation to keep going. It's the challenge that drives me. It's having a Gordian Knot placed in front of me and knowing that everyone is watching to see if I can unravel it. I think, more than anything, it's the realization that I can't let a puzzle go unsolved, even if it costs me the warmth and contentedness of being with friends and family. It's the battle, the chess game with capitalist America. It's the fight.* And if I give up, if I admit defeat, I'll lose a part of myself that I don't think I could live without.

I forget this sometimes, looking out over my industrial city, alone on a particularly caliginous evening. Then I realize that giving up will cost me far more than the price I pay to live here.

"But by my love and hope I beseech you: do not throw away the hero in your soul! Hold holy your highest hope!"

*Also, it's the morning coffee, the solitude, and the creative process. But mostly it's the challenge.